Secret New Years Wishes

So it's that time of year again! Every year around New Years I make twelve wishes for the next year. It's my own little tradition. It's supposed to be a variation on I think a Chinese tradition where they make twelve wishes, one for every chime of the clock before the stroke of midnight. Now, since I can never remember my wishes or to keep track of when I'm twelve seconds away from midnight I just make wishes and write them down. I didn't do it last year that I can tell..wait let me check..nope it looks like I started to but I never got any written down...possibly because I thought I'd be on my mission all this year and there weren't many things to wish for!

I'd give examples of things I've wished for in the past but they are all in journals scattered in boxes in the garage and at my apartment in provo.

So generally I only write these in my journal and I will convert this to a journal entry later, but this year I've got the blog and since it's anonymous I might as well share with ya'll what I'm hoping for the year to come!

1. Good Grades
2. Make lots of friends
3. Keep all my old friends
4. Friends and family to be happy
5. A date ( I don't necessarily want to put much else down other than that because I feel it's kinda silly, but considering I haven't been on a date at all this year...it'd be kinda nice to go on just ONE)
6. Happiness
7. Start writing, painting, drawing again
8. Become a better person
9. Figure out why on earth the Lord wants me to go to Idaho
10. Make it to a friend's wedding (I've missed every single one. They ALL got married while I was on my mission)
11. Have a better relationship with my father
12. A year full of laughter and love (ok this one seems a bit cheesy but it's really want I want! This year has been crazy! I'd like a little more laughter and a little more love in the year to come!)

So keep in mind this is in no particular order, I just list them as they come to mind. It's really not that easy to come up with twelve wishes!

See, I'm a little different in that I don't really believe in making resolutions I mean I'm all for goal setting and all that but resolutions never seem to stick for ANYONE. So instead I just list wishes or good thoughts for the year ahead. It's like starting my year on an optimistic note! I've been doing this for oh geez...probably eight or nine years? Ever since I started a journal. Yes that means that I have nearly ten years worth of journals packed away. This whole blog thing has really kinda been bad for my journal writing recently because it's a little easier to type all of this than to hand write it since I'm super picky about pens and it's just faster to type! Not to mention more legible!

Anyway, I know it's officially Christmas eve...early early early morning, but I'm writing this as if it was the twenty third.
When I went into the MTC it was planned that I would come home today. It's made today really strange surreal and a little depressing. I keep trying to remind myself that I would not be who I am today or where I am today if I hadn't come home early. I worry that if I had stayed out and not gone home for medical issues that I would have become like my companions who have come home. They're all a little judgmental and hypocritical I don't want to be that way so it scares me a little. I also wouldn't have made some of the best friends I've ever had this summer. Not to mention all of the wonderful times I've had with friends old and new this fall.

I am so grateful to all of my friends this year. They have truly helped me get through possibly the hardest year I've had so far. I was devastated to come home early. I was so angry that I was sick and that I couldn't just press on and suck it up and finish out my mission. I had such a struggle thinking that the Lord could ever want me to go home early. I mean all of that is different now, it's a funny thing about receiving a witness to an answer to prayer. It's so strong and I know what's right. It's still hard because it's not always exactly what I want to do, but it's one of those things I can't deny and I have to follow it.

I have loved living in Provo. I have loved my new apartment with my best friend and spending time with friends coming home from missions and talking to all of the wonderful people I have loved and been close to. They are each and every one such a real blessing to me. I don't know what I would do without the support. In a time when I am struggling with being reminded of all my faults it means so much to have people in my life who really do think highly of me when I don't always think so highly of myself.

It's like in my head I know who I want to be. I have this picture of this lovely wonderful fun beautiful person and so often I feel so very far away from that picture it's just nice to know some people in this world think I'm closer to it than I sometimes think I am.

Sorry if none of this makes any sense, it's quite late and I tend to ramble and make grammatical errors when I'm tired. Not to mention the stream of consciousness that ensues..so I'd better end this here for your benifit! But I love you all and I really hope that you have a very merry Christmas and a wonderful Holiday.

Secret Strength

I wish life were easier. I am so sick and tired of getting an answer only to feel like it has changed only to discover that no, I had the correct answer all along!
I've been looking at staying in Provo again because my dad said something about staying there since I have been hitting walls everywhere I turn with trying to move to Idaho. So I've been praying about it and thinking about it and trying to figure everything out. I mean I hate how people relate our own experiences to the scripture stories because I can never tell which story I'm living out that particular day! Like am I Abraham and Utah is my Isaac and I'm being asked to sacrifice it but at the last moment the Lord says no I just wanted to make sure you'd do what I asked you to. Or is it a Nephi trying to get the gold plates story where I've tried it my way but I'm simply not trying hard enough? I just can NEVER tell!
I think I've finally figured it out. I haven't been able to sell my housing contract in Provo. I haven't had the money to put it on the list at the complex to sell and honestly I think subconsciously or consciously I've been dragging my feet to sell it because I've been thinking in my head "Ok Lord, I'll go to Idaho but if I can't sell my housing contract I simply can't go" which is so OBVIOUSLY the wrong attitude to have about all of this. So I'm changing that NOW. I'm going to Idaho because I've had the answer multiple times and I just plain KNOW it is where I am supposed to be. Black and white no questions asked. So! If I can't sell my housing contract I will be getting a job to pay my rent in Provo while I go to school in Idaho.
My dad is really getting on my last nerve though. He's always questioned my answers and he always thinks that if I'm not doing things the way he thinks I should be doing them, that I'm not following the Lord's will. That drives me up the wall. So he thinks that because tonight when he asked me if I had made a decision about Idaho I told him that I was still praying about it, I hadn't received an answer yet and that it really wasn't up to me, that I'm not listening to him. That I'm doing the wrong thing yet again.
I'm done. I know what I need to do. I know there are so many people in this world who don't believe in answers from Heavenly Father, who think I just make it up.

But let me set the record straight.

If I did not know for absolute one hundred percent sure that this was what the Lord wanted me to do, I would NOT be doing it. I love Provo. I love my friends there. I am so happy in Utah. It breaks my heart to leave. But I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that the Lord answered my prayer.

I KNOW that I need to go to Idaho. That that is where the Lord has called me. And I will go because that is where I have been called. It may be hard. It may be nigh on impossible to accomplish. But I will go because I know it is where I need to be. I KNOW what I have felt. And I KNOW I have felt the peace that comes from receiving an answer from my Heavenly Father. And I KNOW that answer is to go to school and to go to school in Idaho. I KNOW the Lord hears and answers prayers. I KNOW IT.

So. It is up to you to decide but for me it is simple. I go where I am called. I receive answers to my prayers and I act on those answers.

Anyway I hope you are all having a great holiday and I'll try to write again before Christmas...hopefully something a little less passionate next time. Maybe I'll even have some good news about some successes! Wish me luck!

Secret Loves

I love:
Christmas
Musicals
Christmas Musicals
Sad Movies
Real Rain
Glee
Christmas Lights
Temple Square
Good Friends
Lasagna
Orange Jello with Mandarin Oranges
P.S. I Love You Book and Movie
Reading
Crushes (Let's face it it's fun to have a crush...provided it goes well...)
I'll have to continue this list later but it's a start. Just a few things I was thinking of. Hope you all are having a great holiday!

Secret Rantings

I read it. I don't hold grudges.

Sorry that's cryptic. Anyway everyone. I'm going home today and I'm kinda devastated about it. I love my roommate, I love the people I know here. I love my friends and the life I've had while I've been in Provo. I'm going to miss it here. I'm coming back at the end of the year and then I'm packing my stuff and moving to Rexburg. I'm so sad that I didn't get into BYU. Which is funny considering I never really wanted to go there in the first place. Funny the way life goes I guess. I've been getting the answer that I need to go to BYUI for a few months now, I just haven't wanted to listen. I know it's what I need to do.
The funny thing is how difficult it is to say that. There are so many people these days who when I say that I've received an answer from Heavenly Father will mock me or tell me I'm just coming up with something in my head that I've made up myself for whatever strange reason. But I haven't. I know that is difficult for so many people now days to understand, but it's something so much more than coming up with what I want. I feel it. I feel it deep inside me. I want to stay in Provo, so why would I make up in my head and convince myself that I need to go to Idaho? I'm so sad about leaving. I don't know how I'll do it at the airport today when I have to say goodbye. Why would I do this to myself? I know the Lord has answered my prayers and that he has told me what would be best for me and what I need to do. Now it's my choice if I follow that or not. But if I don't, it's on me and I know it.
Anyway, there are so many other reasons why I don't want to go home. I don't get along with my dad very well and he's honestly been doing a lot better lately. That was until some guy got mad at my dad for not letting him over and followed him to the blockbuster he was heading to, got out of his car, and proceeded to beat my dad up. My dad has a lot of issues and now he's kinda suffering from post traumatic stress disorder with everything and he's regressed about ten years. So I'm going into a big fire and I'm really nervous about it.
Not to mention December may just be one of the hardest months for me yet this year. I was supposed to be home on the 23rd of this month. I'm going to be a mess thinking about how I should have been still on my mission and how different my life would have been had I stayed. I know there are reasons why the Lord sent me home when he did and honestly I wouldn't have met all of the wonderful people I did this summer and this fall and in so many ways I know this is exactly where I needed to be. But it's still hard to know my heart is still on my mission and I don't know when I'll be able to let it all go.
Anyway, sorry I've been kinda ranting. I'll stop now. This was really just supposed to be the two sentences above and I was going to end it there, but then I figured I hadn't updated this in a while so I figured I'd just go ahead and write a bit more for anyone else who reads this.

Secret Sadness

My best friend died three years ago this Tuesday. I will always miss her. I'm going to get to do a session at the temple that day and I'm pretty sure I'm going to cry all the way through.

Secretly Crossing My Fingers

Wow, it's been a while! Sorry about that! I did a summer semester and everything else just kinda fell by the wayside!
So I'm applying to BYU to start in January, and I'm not gonna lie, if I don't get in I probably won't be very happy. I mean, have you ever been to that page on facebook? "Overheard at BYU"? Well, I've kept up with it for a while, because it's just plain entertaining. However, some of the people they let in to BYU? It kinda scares me! I mean one snipit of a conversation isn't going to really give an accurate picture of how smart a person is, but I'd like to think that I wouldn't say some of the things that are posted on there!
I honestly have no idea why I even want to go to BYU. I never did before. But now it's my top choice and I'm really hoping I get in. I mean I've gotten into BYU-I for January and that's just fine, but, for some odd reason I actually might kinda like Provo. Granted the social interactions around here are, well, a bit warped... it's really not that bad!
Now of course, it won't be the end of the world if I don't get in, but it sure would be nice if I did.
Time will tell

Secret Worries

Wow it's been a while! So I'm getting ready to go back to school and I must admit I'm crazy nervous! I'm worried I won't do a good job, that I'll get lazy or depressed or sick. I guess I really shouldn't worry about these things and instead I should prepare for in case that happens, so I'll know how to handle the situations, but I can't help it. I can't help but wonder if I'm ready. Or if I'll ever be ready. I mean don't get me wrong I am so excited. I can't wait, it feels so good to know I'm going to be taking classes again and I love that feeling. I just can't get the scared feeling out! Anyway I'm not going to fill this entry with all of my worries partially because I'm sure there wouldn't be room! Haha, but I'm learning that I have to have faith in things before I can see the miracles happen. I need to have faith that I'm home for a reason, to trust that the Lord has a plan for me, before I will find out why exactly he's sent me home. I have to have faith that I will find the reason. I have to have faith that I will have what I want before I can receive it. Faith literally does precede the miracle. Maybe the Lord will test my patience though in waiting for the miracle to come, but I know it will. I know it because I know the Lord loves me and he has a plan for me.
It's funny the way things don't go the way you think they will. Two years ago I thought I was going to go back to school. I was admitted and I was on my way, but the Lord had other plans and wanted me to go on a mission, and I did to. So I went on a mission. A year ago I was in the MTC, I expected that right about now I'd be in Florida six months away from being done with my mission. Again the Lord had other plans. Leaving my mission was honestly harder than getting there. I'm realizing more and more that I need to stop looking back and keep looking forward, to keep moving and making progress. I don't know what's going to happen, I'm not making anymore plans. The only solid thing right now is this summer. After that I have no idea what's going to happen, and maybe that's the way it should be. Maybe I should just learn to let go a bit and try to fly. I'd like to say that my plans at the end of the summer were that I would rethink going on my mission again and applying to be a full time student at the University I'm doing the summer program with, and if I don't get in there then I'll be headed to another school I've been accepted to. But even that could change dramatically.
But something I've found is that when I stop making plans, I start living.

Secret Rantings

If I were a person who swears I would insert a few expletives right about now!
I have a friend who says she wants to change she wants to go to church, but it seems it's only that way when she's around me and she isn't making the changes she needs to. It's killing me. I want her to be happy, I think she realizes that she feels good at church and that she isn't happy. But she's hardly doing anything about it. It's so frustrating and she is hanging out with these people who do not have her best interest at heart. It's just making me so mad. I know that her coming back to church will make her happy that she has so much potential, but when she hangs out with those people and she's here she's stagnant and I don't want that for her. But I can't force her to do anything and I can't really say any of this to her, all I can do is just be supportive and be here no matter what, because I will be here for her no matter what choice she makes. I just hate it when people take what they have for granted. On my mission I met people who were hungering for the gospel they wanted it they needed it and it just irks me when people just throw it away. This is so precious. This is everything.

So she tells me today that she can't make it to church because she's so depressed so of course I call her and she doesn't pick up, in fact she ignored my call. She finally picked up except she had her friend answer the phone, one of the friends that the more she tells me about the more I don't like, the one who is one of the main ones who keeps dragging her into her bad habits. I finally got him to give her the phone I tried to reason with her. I've been there I KNOW that being at church helps but she just said she'd try to get there. She never showed up. She didn't even tell me why she was so depressed.

I just ugh! Every freaking person on this planet has a full plate. EVERYONE has a thousand reasons to be depressed or stressed out. It all depends on what you DO with it. I am SO sick and tired of mopy people complaining about things stuff that comes with everyday life.
Now I know that there is some depression that you can't just talk through or just let go, there's honest to goodness clinical depression that you have to have medication to get over. So it's kinda hard for me not to just look at these people and tell them to either a: go to a doctor and get some good meds and get over it, or b: find a good counselor maybe both!

Either way the thing I want to say to a few people that I really can't is GET OVER YOURSELF. I am so sick of people only being into the reasons why THEY are mad or what THEY are going through. That's not friendship. That just shows me that they are too into themselves to hear anything else going on around them.

Sorry, I'm not sure what that dissolved into but I just needed to rant. So...I'm going to go now before I get started off again!

Secret Dreams

The funny thing about coming home early from a mission is, it feels like someone's died. The mission becomes like a person you've known your whole life, because that's how long you've waited to go. You've looked up to it, you've done everything you could to achieve it. Then you go and it's everything. And not just to you, but your family as well. They've all wanted you to go, they've all been waiting for the day, and they're so proud of you when you do. It's wonderful and difficult and amazing and the hardest thing you'll ever go through wrapped up in one two year or eighteen month span.

But then something goes wrong. The person gets sick, you get sick. Misunderstandings happen and you end up going home. And it feels like that person died, like something inside you died. You mourn the loss like you would someone you know, you think back on the good times, the happy times, even the hard ones and wish you could have it back.

The difficult thing is, you can. If you really want to. How do you know if it's better to just let it go, to leave it in the past, to bury it, or to revive it? I mean if we were really talking about a person here, the choice I would think would be obvious and I guess put that way it becomes simpler to go back, but, it's not. I can't help but think of my best friend who died a few years back, I miss her, and I'm almost positive there isn't a day that I haven't thought of her in some way. There's alot of regrett there though, it doesn't bother me quite as much as it used to. At first when I learned that she was gone it felt like someone had drilled holes in my chest, like I had drilled holes in my chest. Because I had no one to blame but myself for not being there. It's not as bad now, but it's still hard.

I guess I think the same way about my mission when I think back on it. Like I have no one to blame but myself for failing. I mean I didn't really fail, atleast that's what everone says, and I believe them - mostly. I guess it's just my own fault I wasn't strong enough? That obviously I did or didn't do something to make my Mission President think that I was some wilting violet, that I was "so kind and had such a tender spirit" which meant that I couldn't handle missionary work. I don't want to remember it that way. I want to look back on my mission and smile. I can't do that right now. But is that worth going back for? Am I just too close to when everthing happened that my view is scewed? Do I need to give it more time? Put more distance between me and when I came home? Would that improve my veiw of my mission?

And then what do I do about school? Not too long ago I was on a "I haven't ever gotten what I've wanted, things have always gone the other way for me" jag. It was mostly spured by finding out that yet another one of my friends is pregnant and another one is getting married. Not that I want those things right now, it's not even on my radar. It's just hard when I know that I mean for this one friend she wanted to get married, and she did, no problem. And she got married to exactly who she wanted to. She wanted to go to college, and she did, and her father paid for it. Then she wanted a baby, and now, she's gotten that too.

I've wanted to go to school for so long. I've been out of school for three years now. I tried so hard to go last year but I knew I needed to go on a mission, so I left everything I was working for to do that. Then I wanted to stay on my mission, and well, we all know how that worked out. And now FINALLY things are working out. I've gotten into the summer session for BYU and I've been accepted at BYU-I. It finally looks like I'm starting to get the things that I've wanted. Maybe it's just because before, I'd never go after them, but now I've learned to fight for what I want. Maybe it's the Lord blessing me. Honestly I'm sure it's a combination of both, me doing my part and Heavenly Father taking care of the rest.

Anyway, that's my random rant for the moment. Sorry it's long! What are things that you've wanted? Have you gotten them? Have you not? And why do you think that is?

Secret Gratitude

I hate seeing people take the blessings in their lives for granted. I'm guilty of this all the time, I know. I just, I hate to see someone not realize what they have. I know that it's easy to take something you've had all your life for granted, and sometimes it takes seeing people who don't have what you do to make you realize how important those things are. Sometimes it doesn't eve click THEN, I just wish it didn't take so much for us to be grateful.

So do me a favor, think of something that you take for granted and make a decision to try to never take it for granted again. I'm going to do this too.

I'm really lucky, I mean life isn't what I want it to be, but whose life is exactly the way they want it? We don't always get what we want when we want it, but we always get something we need and probably something better. I'll admit, I have a tendency to focus on the things that I don't have. I think it's easy to get discouraged when you see others getting everything you've ever wanted and you don't, but maybe there's something else coming, something better? Maybe the secret to happiness is to just ride the wave, go with the flow, put your trust in Heavenly Father and let him steer you where you should be. Maybe that's something I haven't been doing enough. I mean it takes some effort on our part, we have to do what we can and just let the rest go. Faith is an interesting thing, it's something I've done a lot of thinking about in the past few months.

Faith is a principle of action, you have to act in order to get results. It's interesting that you have to have hope in something in order to grow faith, but from faith you gain hope. "Faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things, wherefore if ye have faith, ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true."

I find the concept that we must have faith to be healed. We see this in the Bible and in the Book of Mormon and all around us even now. But it's not just from physical ailments, Christ healed the lepers and the blind, through our faith he can heal our spiritual blindness and make us clean. "If thou wilt, thou canst make me clean." This shows us two things, one, we have to have the faith that if we will turn over our imperfections the Lord can take them from us, it's not ever instantaneous like the leper in this story, but I know it will happen. Two, we have to turn our will over to Him.

My Mission President told us a story that Elder Bednar had told him, there was a young couple who went to Elder Bednar seeking an apostolic blessing for the husband because he had cancer. Elder Bednar interviewed the couple and he asked the man "Do you have the faith to be healed" the man said yes, he did. Elder Bednar then asked him "Do you have the faith NOT to be healed?" In other words, did he have the faith to align his will with the Lord's? The man wasn't so sure about that, so Elder Bednar told him to pray and study and once he believed he had gained that faith, he would give the man the blessing. A while later the man and his wife came back and the man said that at first he did not have the faith to not be healed, but that he had done as Elder Bednar had asked and he felt he now had the faith to be healed. Elder Bednar didn't tell our Mission President what the outcome was, but the point was made.

As I was listening to that story, I thought about all the difficulties in my life that I had prayed in the past to be taken away, to be healed. I realized that what I lacked was the faith not to be healed. I realized that I wasn't willing yet to turn my will to the Lord and want the same outcome that He wanted for me. That was a very large turning point for my mission and I've found, for my life. I've changed the way I speak with the Lord. I try harder to find out what He wants me to do. I want now, more than ever to be the person He knows I can be. I want to reach that full potential. I don't want to settle anymore. I didn't think I was settling before, but see, potential is a funny thing, with out some idea of what it is, you don't plan on going far. It's interesting that once we learn just how much the Lord loves us, we can see that potential much clearer. As we align our will with His we have the chance to see ourselves the way that He sees us. It's beautiful, it's humbling but at the same time incredibly uplifting.

Before my mission I thought I knew how much the Lord loved me, and everyone on the earth. Now I look back and I had no idea. I had no idea that that is what all of this is about, it's about how much He loves us. We have the scriptures because HE. LOVES. US. We have families because He loves us. Thousands of missionaries go around the world because we know how much He loves us. Because there are so many people who don't know. I mean, just because you don't think the same way I think, or believe the same things I believe doesn't mean you're going to hell. Nothing is that black and white.

Wow I've gotten on a tangent. I can't even remember what I started this out as!
Anyway, I'm just grateful for so much, I hope I never take that for granted.

Secret Humor

Haha! So something I find terribly funny, the fact that everyone has made a bigger deal about Michael Jackson's death than Farah Faucet's. I mean the guy died, what, the day after or the day that Farah Faucet did? And he gets all the press! I mean at the Oscars they completely left Farah Faucet out because they only have room for thirty celebrities to highlight and they decided that Farah was really more of a tv star than anything. Now, here's the funny thing, they spent a large amount of time highlighting Michael Jackson. So.. I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure that Michael Jackson was never in a movie!

I sorta imagine after Michael Jackson died, that he gets up there, wherever you believe he is, and Farah Faucet comes up to him and smacks him upside the head and says "you couldn't have waited a WEEK to kick the bucket?" I mean the poor woman suffered with cancer for how long? I just find it a little sick and wrong that everyone is all broken up about and giving nods to a guy who we ALL know was severely messed up and probably a child molester! While Farah Faucet was someone who was very generous and just an all around good person. I find a little bit of a problem with that.

So I just think it's funny. I just hope that after they left her out of the memorial at the Oscars, Farah Faucet hit Michael Jackson upside the head again....

Secret Issues

So, something that bugs me...

There are SOOO many girls who think that just because a guy has served a full time honorable mission that they are perfect.
I'm sorry but I've gotta just burst that bubble. It's just not true. Even while they are on their missions, so many guys are kinda jerks! The sad thing is that when they get off their missions many of them get jerk-ier!

It just bugs me that so many girls are so enamored with the "RM" status that it's like they're blind to just how much of a creep some guys can be!

Granted this isn't EVERY guy and I know that there are some decent ones out there! The optimist in me (you probably wouldn't be able to tell, but I'm mostly an optimist) wants to think that it's most guys who are decent. But lets be realistic here! Just because a guy is a member AND an "RM" can sometimes mean absolutely NOTHING.

Having been on a mission and having seen both sides, I'll admit, before I went I thought the same that most girls do: that if you went on a mission you must be a pretty decent guy. Once I went I realized that some guys are real jerks! Even some Elders can be real jerks! Now, I'm in no position to judge and I do believe that any one who goes on a mission should be commended in some way or other, even if the wrong reasons got them there. The thing is, it is the right place. I've learned that sometimes the wrong reasons can get us in the right place. The thing is a mission is an amazing thing. Guys really do grow up and learn a lot while they're there. I know that I grew up a ton! A mission really can have the ability to change you and to change you for the better, if you let it.

Anyway, back to my subject. I've seen the way that Elders can be. Some of them just want to climb that mission ladder and they're very fake and very letter of the law. And you know what? They don't tend to do as well. These tend to be the real jerks when they get off their missions. Then there are the guys who really want to put their hearts into the work and they do everything they can to be obedient, but they understand that the spirit of the law is also important. They can have a sense of humor and aren't so uptight. These are the ones that I have found are truly good guys. Now, there are always exceptions, I haven't met everyone in the world and I could be completely wrong! I would hope I am completely wrong, this is just what I've found in my experience! It just bugs me that everyone thinks that going on a mission makes you perfect. It doesn't! It pulls out your flaws, it makes you work them out and helps you really understand the gospel and why we have it and why we want to share it.

Let me tell you, there is NOTHING like seeing that peace and joy that the gospel brings to the eyes of those who have found out for themselves if it's true.

You know, I kinda think it's more than just a little bit crazy that there are girls in this world who will honestly call a guy's mission president to find out what kind of missionary the guy was! I'm sorry but to me that's more than just a little bit outrageous! Any girl worth her salt will know that if you want to know a guy's true character you watch how he treats his mom and sisters and how he talks about them. Ultimately this is how he might treat you. So I was thinking about it on my mission after we had some problems with some elders in our district. We had a point in time when the elders really just isolated us. They were kinda jerks, in their defense they probably didn't mean to but it was still a problem. They didn't treat us like missionaries, they most of the time acted like we didn't even exist. So as I was pondering on that I decided that if I was ever going to try to find out what kind of missionary the guy I was dating/engaged to was I wouldn't call his mission president, I would call the sisters who served with him. Because, Elders pretty much have the basic instinct to treat us like we're invisible and we end up seeing quite a bit of what they are really like. It's not all good! I mean there is one elder I can think of who, if I were to give a report to his fiance I would tell her she made a good choice (by the way I'm so glad he's engaged! His fiance looks really sweet and I am so happy for them!) because he treated the sisters like we were people, like we were missionaries. Now, there's another elder who, if his fiance came to me and asked me what I thought, I'd tell her to run and never look back! This was a guy who treated us like dirt pretty much.

I just wish that every girl could get a real glimpse of what a mission is like. Because believe me, it is very different than you think it is. I couldn't imagine not going on my mission. I learned so much! I learned how precious this knowledge that we have is! I go to church now, or to the temple, and I see people talk through the entire thing and I'm just like, do you know where you are? Do you have any idea what you have? I just wish people would wake up and not be so blind!

Anyway, sorry that was kinda a long rant, but it's been stuck in my head for a while now. Am I alone in this?

Secret Annoyances

So I just got back from church. I've been attending a singles ward...despite the fact that they scare the crap out of me. I mean, seriously? Every time someone new walks in it's like someone rang a dinner bell somewhere. You can pretty much feel people's eyes on you figuring out where you rate from one to ten on the marriage scale. You can tell what people think your availability is by how nice- or not nice they are to you. Guys will either salivate or ignore you, and girls will either take you under their wing or shoot you death looks across the isle. It's vicious!

Anyway, I digress, so I was sitting there today and just a few things got on my nerves. Now I'm not typically one to LOOK for things to complain about. I am a firm believer that you find what you go looking for, so I've decided I'd like to look for the good and refuse to look for the bad. This works, most of the time. Today, for some reason, my patience was a bit on the short side and I let a few things get to me.

#1 I was sitting behind two guys, they both looked to be a little older (which for us mormons you know pretty much anyone over the age of 23 is old if they aren't married, so that's a little scewed) and they are just sitting there jabbing away the entire sacrament meeting. I'm just sitting there like, really? Do you have NO respect? Cuz let me tell ya, you are SO coming off attractive right now as you make immature hand motions to the songs... but ya know, maybe I'm crazy!

#2 I'm sitting there in Sunday School and one of the guys who was sitting in front of me sits next to me, but one seat away. I'm just like, oh great, and here I thought I was going to be able to listen to the teacher and enjoy my Sunday. Now this I don't quite get, he sits there and starts talking to the girls behind us the girls next to us and the girls in front of us, but never said a single word to me. I'm sure some girls find that an attractive quality, but I sure don't! I mean really, how does that appeal to anyone? Are there seriously people in this world who are going to sit there and think "oh hey, that guy is ignoring me and being generally douche like, I want him in the worst way"? Come on!

#3 After the lesson (which was held in the Relief Society room) this guy doesn't budge. He just sits there. And he sits there, and then he starts talking to another guy who is also obviously a part of this sit-in. This isn't the first time I've seen this. I've witnessed it many times over the years that I've been attending singles/ university wards. But you know what? I still don't get it. I sometimes wonder if they've forgotten that anyone else is alive and or trying to start the next class.

Again, I could be crazy, but it seriously bugged me today. Anyway, I've gotta run but it's been nice venting! Haha!

Secret Frustration

UGH! I am sooo not happy. My father tries to set me up at every opportunity! And THEN he tells the whole freaking world about it! I am so sick and tired of him not having a filter! He tells everyone EVERYTHING about my life! Nothing is sacred with him! NOTHING!
I'm trying to go to a new ward, make new friends so that I won't slip back into being who I was before my mission and my dad meets this guy who is in that ward just by chance. It's not bad enough that my dad tells this guy that he should say hi to me if he sees me around, he shows the guy pictures of me! Then he adds the guy on facebook and practically facebook stalks this kid!
But wait! There's more! Then he tells practically EVERYONE he comes across about this. Two of the people he talks to know this poor kid. One of them even goes to a ward that meets in the same building and said that they would introduce me to him this Sunday. I am mortified! I get to try to go to a new ward and start out with public humiliation! I'm hoping that I can successfully evade them tomorrow, I mean, in my opinion, if he wants to introduce himself then he will. If he doesn't he should have that right and shouldn't be pushed! Gah! I just wish people would leave well enough alone!
I expressed my displeasure of this to my parents and now they're mad at me.

I'm just so ANGRY about it! Mostly I guess because my parents are angry at me. Once again, I'm the bad guy. I'm the one who can't be better so I fail. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of always being expected to take the moral highroad when my dad can act anyway he wants to and get away with it. I am sick to death of it! GAH! I just want to be trusted to run my own life for ONCE and not be judged for it. I mean my father is always telling me that I need to look a certain way and act a certain way to attract a guy. Every time I fight back the impulse to just let him have it. Right now, I'm not particularly interested in dating, it's just not on my radar. Going to school and getting a job is all that's occupying my thoughts right now and I wish he'd just respect that. When I get to whatever school I'm going to, THEN I will start looking into the whole dating thing. And if I happen to meet someone here and things happen on their own, I'm fine with that, I just wish he'd stop pursuing it so hard core.

Does that make me a horrible person?
Am I wrong for that?

One Secret at a time

So there was a funeral today, I really wanted to go, but I didn't. Am I an awful person? I just didn't think I could handle a funeral right now. It's just too sad. I feel so selfish for not going, because I don't think I can handle it.

Anyway, this wasn't what I had originally planned to write about, but it's what's coming out! So, ya. Anyway, as this is a blog about secrets and that is a secret I guess I'll end there! One secret at a time right?

Secret Future

Ok, so! I feel like this first real blog should be something monumental! Something attention catching! Something fantastic! Execpt...none of the things on my mind fit that description! :S
Being home from a mission sucks. I'm just gonna tell you that right now! I am not a fan! Especially now when it's so hard to find a job! Not to mention, all of my friends are away at school and or married! Everyone inside my inner circle of friends got married while I was gone. I thought that was rather rude of them but hey! Whatcha gonna do about it right?
So I've applied to BYU and BYU-Idaho. Which is actually quite shocking for me! First of all I always swore that I would NEVER go to any BYU. Then, I said I'd NEVER live in Provo. Now I find myself crossing my fingers that I get in! I hardly recognize myself!
So I've had my Transcript sent and everything is in. Except for my SATs. Which should have been there this week. I had to pay ten freaking dollars to send the stupid things for them to take two weeks to push a freaking button and send my scores. I could have had them there in two days but that would have cost me another thirty dollars! I'm sorry, but I have a little bit of a problem with that! So, here I am waaay past the deadline waiting for my SATs to get to BYU.
Which has meant that my life has pretty much been put on hold till I find out if I have gotten in and where I've gotten in.
It's a little scary honestly, someone sitting in some room is going to be looking at everything I've sent and make a decision that will decide so much of my future. I mean think about it, depending on where I get accepted determines the kind of classes I take, the kind of education I get, the kind of school that I might eventually transfer to, the kind of people I meet, who I date, and possibly who I marry.
I'm all into that whole trust in the Lord thing. I've just been doing so much of it for so long. It seems that the Lord really likes to try to see if I'm going to jump off the cliffs he wants me to jump off of. I mean just going on a mission was a huge leap for me.
I just want to know. I just want to know where I'm going. I want to know when I'm going. I applied for the summer sessions for both, but BYU-I starts in April and BYU starts in May! It could be mid-march by the time I find out! That would give me litterally about two weeks to find somewhere to live, and to find a way to pay for school. Kinda a little scary! So if I get accepted I'm thinking the chances that I'll be accepted for the summer term is a bit slim...
I feel like it would help so much to just have something I'm working towards ya know?
But I'll try to wait patiently! Anyway, so that's just a bit of what's on my mind at the moment!

Shhh...

Secret Start

So, I've been thinking....
I have so many things in my head that I can't really say out loud. Many thoughts on things in the world and things in my life. So, my trouble is how do I get those thoughts out? This is my solution! I hope you don't mind my venting on things I think are stupid, things I think are smart, and just life in general! I figure the chances of anyone reading this is slim so why not try it? I don't know why I can't just say these things, but I just want a place to keep my secrets, but to get them out there at the same time. I guess I worry people will judge me or think I'm silly or stupid.
So I guess my question now is: can you keep a secret?