The funny thing about coming home early from a mission is, it feels like someone's died. The mission becomes like a person you've known your whole life, because that's how long you've waited to go. You've looked up to it, you've done everything you could to achieve it. Then you go and it's everything. And not just to you, but your family as well. They've all wanted you to go, they've all been waiting for the day, and they're so proud of you when you do. It's wonderful and difficult and amazing and the hardest thing you'll ever go through wrapped up in one two year or eighteen month span.
But then something goes wrong. The person gets sick, you get sick. Misunderstandings happen and you end up going home. And it feels like that person died, like something inside you died. You mourn the loss like you would someone you know, you think back on the good times, the happy times, even the hard ones and wish you could have it back.
The difficult thing is, you can. If you really want to. How do you know if it's better to just let it go, to leave it in the past, to bury it, or to revive it? I mean if we were really talking about a person here, the choice I would think would be obvious and I guess put that way it becomes simpler to go back, but, it's not. I can't help but think of my best friend who died a few years back, I miss her, and I'm almost positive there isn't a day that I haven't thought of her in some way. There's alot of regrett there though, it doesn't bother me quite as much as it used to. At first when I learned that she was gone it felt like someone had drilled holes in my chest, like I had drilled holes in my chest. Because I had no one to blame but myself for not being there. It's not as bad now, but it's still hard.
I guess I think the same way about my mission when I think back on it. Like I have no one to blame but myself for failing. I mean I didn't really fail, atleast that's what everone says, and I believe them - mostly. I guess it's just my own fault I wasn't strong enough? That obviously I did or didn't do something to make my Mission President think that I was some wilting violet, that I was "so kind and had such a tender spirit" which meant that I couldn't handle missionary work. I don't want to remember it that way. I want to look back on my mission and smile. I can't do that right now. But is that worth going back for? Am I just too close to when everthing happened that my view is scewed? Do I need to give it more time? Put more distance between me and when I came home? Would that improve my veiw of my mission?
And then what do I do about school? Not too long ago I was on a "I haven't ever gotten what I've wanted, things have always gone the other way for me" jag. It was mostly spured by finding out that yet another one of my friends is pregnant and another one is getting married. Not that I want those things right now, it's not even on my radar. It's just hard when I know that I mean for this one friend she wanted to get married, and she did, no problem. And she got married to exactly who she wanted to. She wanted to go to college, and she did, and her father paid for it. Then she wanted a baby, and now, she's gotten that too.
I've wanted to go to school for so long. I've been out of school for three years now. I tried so hard to go last year but I knew I needed to go on a mission, so I left everything I was working for to do that. Then I wanted to stay on my mission, and well, we all know how that worked out. And now FINALLY things are working out. I've gotten into the summer session for BYU and I've been accepted at BYU-I. It finally looks like I'm starting to get the things that I've wanted. Maybe it's just because before, I'd never go after them, but now I've learned to fight for what I want. Maybe it's the Lord blessing me. Honestly I'm sure it's a combination of both, me doing my part and Heavenly Father taking care of the rest.
Anyway, that's my random rant for the moment. Sorry it's long! What are things that you've wanted? Have you gotten them? Have you not? And why do you think that is?
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