Secret Rantings

I read it. I don't hold grudges.

Sorry that's cryptic. Anyway everyone. I'm going home today and I'm kinda devastated about it. I love my roommate, I love the people I know here. I love my friends and the life I've had while I've been in Provo. I'm going to miss it here. I'm coming back at the end of the year and then I'm packing my stuff and moving to Rexburg. I'm so sad that I didn't get into BYU. Which is funny considering I never really wanted to go there in the first place. Funny the way life goes I guess. I've been getting the answer that I need to go to BYUI for a few months now, I just haven't wanted to listen. I know it's what I need to do.
The funny thing is how difficult it is to say that. There are so many people these days who when I say that I've received an answer from Heavenly Father will mock me or tell me I'm just coming up with something in my head that I've made up myself for whatever strange reason. But I haven't. I know that is difficult for so many people now days to understand, but it's something so much more than coming up with what I want. I feel it. I feel it deep inside me. I want to stay in Provo, so why would I make up in my head and convince myself that I need to go to Idaho? I'm so sad about leaving. I don't know how I'll do it at the airport today when I have to say goodbye. Why would I do this to myself? I know the Lord has answered my prayers and that he has told me what would be best for me and what I need to do. Now it's my choice if I follow that or not. But if I don't, it's on me and I know it.
Anyway, there are so many other reasons why I don't want to go home. I don't get along with my dad very well and he's honestly been doing a lot better lately. That was until some guy got mad at my dad for not letting him over and followed him to the blockbuster he was heading to, got out of his car, and proceeded to beat my dad up. My dad has a lot of issues and now he's kinda suffering from post traumatic stress disorder with everything and he's regressed about ten years. So I'm going into a big fire and I'm really nervous about it.
Not to mention December may just be one of the hardest months for me yet this year. I was supposed to be home on the 23rd of this month. I'm going to be a mess thinking about how I should have been still on my mission and how different my life would have been had I stayed. I know there are reasons why the Lord sent me home when he did and honestly I wouldn't have met all of the wonderful people I did this summer and this fall and in so many ways I know this is exactly where I needed to be. But it's still hard to know my heart is still on my mission and I don't know when I'll be able to let it all go.
Anyway, sorry I've been kinda ranting. I'll stop now. This was really just supposed to be the two sentences above and I was going to end it there, but then I figured I hadn't updated this in a while so I figured I'd just go ahead and write a bit more for anyone else who reads this.