Secret New Years Wishes

So it's that time of year again! Every year around New Years I make twelve wishes for the next year. It's my own little tradition. It's supposed to be a variation on I think a Chinese tradition where they make twelve wishes, one for every chime of the clock before the stroke of midnight. Now, since I can never remember my wishes or to keep track of when I'm twelve seconds away from midnight I just make wishes and write them down. I didn't do it last year that I can tell..wait let me check..nope it looks like I started to but I never got any written down...possibly because I thought I'd be on my mission all this year and there weren't many things to wish for!

I'd give examples of things I've wished for in the past but they are all in journals scattered in boxes in the garage and at my apartment in provo.

So generally I only write these in my journal and I will convert this to a journal entry later, but this year I've got the blog and since it's anonymous I might as well share with ya'll what I'm hoping for the year to come!

1. Good Grades
2. Make lots of friends
3. Keep all my old friends
4. Friends and family to be happy
5. A date ( I don't necessarily want to put much else down other than that because I feel it's kinda silly, but considering I haven't been on a date at all this year...it'd be kinda nice to go on just ONE)
6. Happiness
7. Start writing, painting, drawing again
8. Become a better person
9. Figure out why on earth the Lord wants me to go to Idaho
10. Make it to a friend's wedding (I've missed every single one. They ALL got married while I was on my mission)
11. Have a better relationship with my father
12. A year full of laughter and love (ok this one seems a bit cheesy but it's really want I want! This year has been crazy! I'd like a little more laughter and a little more love in the year to come!)

So keep in mind this is in no particular order, I just list them as they come to mind. It's really not that easy to come up with twelve wishes!

See, I'm a little different in that I don't really believe in making resolutions I mean I'm all for goal setting and all that but resolutions never seem to stick for ANYONE. So instead I just list wishes or good thoughts for the year ahead. It's like starting my year on an optimistic note! I've been doing this for oh geez...probably eight or nine years? Ever since I started a journal. Yes that means that I have nearly ten years worth of journals packed away. This whole blog thing has really kinda been bad for my journal writing recently because it's a little easier to type all of this than to hand write it since I'm super picky about pens and it's just faster to type! Not to mention more legible!

Anyway, I know it's officially Christmas eve...early early early morning, but I'm writing this as if it was the twenty third.
When I went into the MTC it was planned that I would come home today. It's made today really strange surreal and a little depressing. I keep trying to remind myself that I would not be who I am today or where I am today if I hadn't come home early. I worry that if I had stayed out and not gone home for medical issues that I would have become like my companions who have come home. They're all a little judgmental and hypocritical I don't want to be that way so it scares me a little. I also wouldn't have made some of the best friends I've ever had this summer. Not to mention all of the wonderful times I've had with friends old and new this fall.

I am so grateful to all of my friends this year. They have truly helped me get through possibly the hardest year I've had so far. I was devastated to come home early. I was so angry that I was sick and that I couldn't just press on and suck it up and finish out my mission. I had such a struggle thinking that the Lord could ever want me to go home early. I mean all of that is different now, it's a funny thing about receiving a witness to an answer to prayer. It's so strong and I know what's right. It's still hard because it's not always exactly what I want to do, but it's one of those things I can't deny and I have to follow it.

I have loved living in Provo. I have loved my new apartment with my best friend and spending time with friends coming home from missions and talking to all of the wonderful people I have loved and been close to. They are each and every one such a real blessing to me. I don't know what I would do without the support. In a time when I am struggling with being reminded of all my faults it means so much to have people in my life who really do think highly of me when I don't always think so highly of myself.

It's like in my head I know who I want to be. I have this picture of this lovely wonderful fun beautiful person and so often I feel so very far away from that picture it's just nice to know some people in this world think I'm closer to it than I sometimes think I am.

Sorry if none of this makes any sense, it's quite late and I tend to ramble and make grammatical errors when I'm tired. Not to mention the stream of consciousness that ensues..so I'd better end this here for your benifit! But I love you all and I really hope that you have a very merry Christmas and a wonderful Holiday.

Secret Strength

I wish life were easier. I am so sick and tired of getting an answer only to feel like it has changed only to discover that no, I had the correct answer all along!
I've been looking at staying in Provo again because my dad said something about staying there since I have been hitting walls everywhere I turn with trying to move to Idaho. So I've been praying about it and thinking about it and trying to figure everything out. I mean I hate how people relate our own experiences to the scripture stories because I can never tell which story I'm living out that particular day! Like am I Abraham and Utah is my Isaac and I'm being asked to sacrifice it but at the last moment the Lord says no I just wanted to make sure you'd do what I asked you to. Or is it a Nephi trying to get the gold plates story where I've tried it my way but I'm simply not trying hard enough? I just can NEVER tell!
I think I've finally figured it out. I haven't been able to sell my housing contract in Provo. I haven't had the money to put it on the list at the complex to sell and honestly I think subconsciously or consciously I've been dragging my feet to sell it because I've been thinking in my head "Ok Lord, I'll go to Idaho but if I can't sell my housing contract I simply can't go" which is so OBVIOUSLY the wrong attitude to have about all of this. So I'm changing that NOW. I'm going to Idaho because I've had the answer multiple times and I just plain KNOW it is where I am supposed to be. Black and white no questions asked. So! If I can't sell my housing contract I will be getting a job to pay my rent in Provo while I go to school in Idaho.
My dad is really getting on my last nerve though. He's always questioned my answers and he always thinks that if I'm not doing things the way he thinks I should be doing them, that I'm not following the Lord's will. That drives me up the wall. So he thinks that because tonight when he asked me if I had made a decision about Idaho I told him that I was still praying about it, I hadn't received an answer yet and that it really wasn't up to me, that I'm not listening to him. That I'm doing the wrong thing yet again.
I'm done. I know what I need to do. I know there are so many people in this world who don't believe in answers from Heavenly Father, who think I just make it up.

But let me set the record straight.

If I did not know for absolute one hundred percent sure that this was what the Lord wanted me to do, I would NOT be doing it. I love Provo. I love my friends there. I am so happy in Utah. It breaks my heart to leave. But I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that the Lord answered my prayer.

I KNOW that I need to go to Idaho. That that is where the Lord has called me. And I will go because that is where I have been called. It may be hard. It may be nigh on impossible to accomplish. But I will go because I know it is where I need to be. I KNOW what I have felt. And I KNOW I have felt the peace that comes from receiving an answer from my Heavenly Father. And I KNOW that answer is to go to school and to go to school in Idaho. I KNOW the Lord hears and answers prayers. I KNOW IT.

So. It is up to you to decide but for me it is simple. I go where I am called. I receive answers to my prayers and I act on those answers.

Anyway I hope you are all having a great holiday and I'll try to write again before Christmas...hopefully something a little less passionate next time. Maybe I'll even have some good news about some successes! Wish me luck!

Secret Loves

I love:
Christmas
Musicals
Christmas Musicals
Sad Movies
Real Rain
Glee
Christmas Lights
Temple Square
Good Friends
Lasagna
Orange Jello with Mandarin Oranges
P.S. I Love You Book and Movie
Reading
Crushes (Let's face it it's fun to have a crush...provided it goes well...)
I'll have to continue this list later but it's a start. Just a few things I was thinking of. Hope you all are having a great holiday!

Secret Rantings

I read it. I don't hold grudges.

Sorry that's cryptic. Anyway everyone. I'm going home today and I'm kinda devastated about it. I love my roommate, I love the people I know here. I love my friends and the life I've had while I've been in Provo. I'm going to miss it here. I'm coming back at the end of the year and then I'm packing my stuff and moving to Rexburg. I'm so sad that I didn't get into BYU. Which is funny considering I never really wanted to go there in the first place. Funny the way life goes I guess. I've been getting the answer that I need to go to BYUI for a few months now, I just haven't wanted to listen. I know it's what I need to do.
The funny thing is how difficult it is to say that. There are so many people these days who when I say that I've received an answer from Heavenly Father will mock me or tell me I'm just coming up with something in my head that I've made up myself for whatever strange reason. But I haven't. I know that is difficult for so many people now days to understand, but it's something so much more than coming up with what I want. I feel it. I feel it deep inside me. I want to stay in Provo, so why would I make up in my head and convince myself that I need to go to Idaho? I'm so sad about leaving. I don't know how I'll do it at the airport today when I have to say goodbye. Why would I do this to myself? I know the Lord has answered my prayers and that he has told me what would be best for me and what I need to do. Now it's my choice if I follow that or not. But if I don't, it's on me and I know it.
Anyway, there are so many other reasons why I don't want to go home. I don't get along with my dad very well and he's honestly been doing a lot better lately. That was until some guy got mad at my dad for not letting him over and followed him to the blockbuster he was heading to, got out of his car, and proceeded to beat my dad up. My dad has a lot of issues and now he's kinda suffering from post traumatic stress disorder with everything and he's regressed about ten years. So I'm going into a big fire and I'm really nervous about it.
Not to mention December may just be one of the hardest months for me yet this year. I was supposed to be home on the 23rd of this month. I'm going to be a mess thinking about how I should have been still on my mission and how different my life would have been had I stayed. I know there are reasons why the Lord sent me home when he did and honestly I wouldn't have met all of the wonderful people I did this summer and this fall and in so many ways I know this is exactly where I needed to be. But it's still hard to know my heart is still on my mission and I don't know when I'll be able to let it all go.
Anyway, sorry I've been kinda ranting. I'll stop now. This was really just supposed to be the two sentences above and I was going to end it there, but then I figured I hadn't updated this in a while so I figured I'd just go ahead and write a bit more for anyone else who reads this.