What I Miss

This is crazy. I feel crazy. I go from being sad and angry to feeling free and hopeful. Yet I still feel alone. I miss having friends surround me. I hate that everyone is scattered around the country right now. I miss feeling like I'm safe. Like there are people who care about me. I know that people still do, I've had so many phone calls from a few of my remaining close friends. People who have told me I will always have a place with them. At this point, I could go and stay with people in San Diego, Florida, Colorado, Washington, hell probably even Nebraska. Yet for some reason, I'm afraid to leave this little town that is torture. He is in Utah and I should probably move down there so that we can share our son, I just don't know if that's what I want. I feel like the whole world is open to me right now. I feel like I get to reevaluate what I want. And who I am. I don't know if my grades are good enough to get into some really great schools but I do know I've kept them high enough that I can probably get in most anywhere I go at this point. Which is nice to know. But scary all at the same time. My parents want me to move to Colorado to live with them so they can help me with child care while I go to school there. I don't think I could live with them again though. And certainly not in Colorado. I feel lost. The strange thing is, that at the same time, I feel like I'm finding who I am. Maybe I need to just be willing to take the leap. I'm drawn to stability. I crave it. But I have been craving so much else for so long too. Feeling cared about, feeling loved, feeling like I'm not alone, feeling like I'm important to someone. Those are things I've been craving too. Is it worth it to let those things go for some stability? It's still not an option to work things out in my marriage, but these are the things I think about. I'm not relying on anyone else to come save me. I'm saving myself.