What I Miss

This is crazy. I feel crazy. I go from being sad and angry to feeling free and hopeful. Yet I still feel alone. I miss having friends surround me. I hate that everyone is scattered around the country right now. I miss feeling like I'm safe. Like there are people who care about me. I know that people still do, I've had so many phone calls from a few of my remaining close friends. People who have told me I will always have a place with them. At this point, I could go and stay with people in San Diego, Florida, Colorado, Washington, hell probably even Nebraska. Yet for some reason, I'm afraid to leave this little town that is torture. He is in Utah and I should probably move down there so that we can share our son, I just don't know if that's what I want. I feel like the whole world is open to me right now. I feel like I get to reevaluate what I want. And who I am. I don't know if my grades are good enough to get into some really great schools but I do know I've kept them high enough that I can probably get in most anywhere I go at this point. Which is nice to know. But scary all at the same time. My parents want me to move to Colorado to live with them so they can help me with child care while I go to school there. I don't think I could live with them again though. And certainly not in Colorado. I feel lost. The strange thing is, that at the same time, I feel like I'm finding who I am. Maybe I need to just be willing to take the leap. I'm drawn to stability. I crave it. But I have been craving so much else for so long too. Feeling cared about, feeling loved, feeling like I'm not alone, feeling like I'm important to someone. Those are things I've been craving too. Is it worth it to let those things go for some stability? It's still not an option to work things out in my marriage, but these are the things I think about. I'm not relying on anyone else to come save me. I'm saving myself.

Life Lately

So, I don't think I want to be Mormon anymore. And because of that, my husband has "prayed about it" and decided that God has told him we ought to "go our separate ways" I begged him to give me a reason. Saturday I told him I was all in this. I was ready to fight for our marriage. But he won't even go to marriage counseling with me because of his "answer". I was devastated when he told me on Tuesday. But I feel like he has known this was what he wanted for a while. I feel terrible for feeling this way, but someday he will have to tell our son that we didn't try to make it work because HE walked away. Everybody leaves. Am I so hard to love? Am I not worth fighting for? This honestly isn't directed at anyone. I just have no one to talk to. I am alone. And I need to get my thoughts out somewhere. I have a counseling appointment in 40 minutes. I've been going to this counselor for a year now at my husband's bequest. Because, you know, I'm the problem. I feel like I'm in such a weird place. I have moments where I feel like I'm mourning the future we could have had together. But then I have moments where I feel so strong and more confident than I have ever in my memory. I'm scared but I'm sure. I have hope, but I'm worried those hopes are futile. I'm afraid of being alone, but at the same time, I feel empowered by my loneliness. I have no idea what to do now. I can't go back to school here. I've withdrawn and if I ask to have my name removed, I can't go back. I don't think I'd want to anyway. I guess I'll get a job. Figure out where I'm going to live. Get on my feet and then go from there. It is frightening to have nothing. I have no money, no friends near me, nothing. Yet, I know I can do whatever I put my mind to. I have never wanted to make a difference in the world as much as I do right now. And even that is intimidating. I'd make a terrible politician. No one would vote for me and I'm too shy and awkward to make it very far. But part of me wants to try. I feel like all of this should have knocked me on my ass. I would have expected for it to land me in bed unable to get up or move for several days, especially with just EVERYTHING that has happened. But I'm up. I'm functioning. I'm determined. I almost don't recognize myself. Life is too short for me to wait around for my husband to realize the mistake he has made. He doesn't want to work on it. And I'm not going to wait around for him to make up his mind. I may have nowhere to go and have no one, but I have me.