What I Miss

This is crazy. I feel crazy. I go from being sad and angry to feeling free and hopeful. Yet I still feel alone. I miss having friends surround me. I hate that everyone is scattered around the country right now. I miss feeling like I'm safe. Like there are people who care about me. I know that people still do, I've had so many phone calls from a few of my remaining close friends. People who have told me I will always have a place with them. At this point, I could go and stay with people in San Diego, Florida, Colorado, Washington, hell probably even Nebraska. Yet for some reason, I'm afraid to leave this little town that is torture. He is in Utah and I should probably move down there so that we can share our son, I just don't know if that's what I want. I feel like the whole world is open to me right now. I feel like I get to reevaluate what I want. And who I am. I don't know if my grades are good enough to get into some really great schools but I do know I've kept them high enough that I can probably get in most anywhere I go at this point. Which is nice to know. But scary all at the same time. My parents want me to move to Colorado to live with them so they can help me with child care while I go to school there. I don't think I could live with them again though. And certainly not in Colorado. I feel lost. The strange thing is, that at the same time, I feel like I'm finding who I am. Maybe I need to just be willing to take the leap. I'm drawn to stability. I crave it. But I have been craving so much else for so long too. Feeling cared about, feeling loved, feeling like I'm not alone, feeling like I'm important to someone. Those are things I've been craving too. Is it worth it to let those things go for some stability? It's still not an option to work things out in my marriage, but these are the things I think about. I'm not relying on anyone else to come save me. I'm saving myself.

Life Lately

So, I don't think I want to be Mormon anymore. And because of that, my husband has "prayed about it" and decided that God has told him we ought to "go our separate ways" I begged him to give me a reason. Saturday I told him I was all in this. I was ready to fight for our marriage. But he won't even go to marriage counseling with me because of his "answer". I was devastated when he told me on Tuesday. But I feel like he has known this was what he wanted for a while. I feel terrible for feeling this way, but someday he will have to tell our son that we didn't try to make it work because HE walked away. Everybody leaves. Am I so hard to love? Am I not worth fighting for? This honestly isn't directed at anyone. I just have no one to talk to. I am alone. And I need to get my thoughts out somewhere. I have a counseling appointment in 40 minutes. I've been going to this counselor for a year now at my husband's bequest. Because, you know, I'm the problem. I feel like I'm in such a weird place. I have moments where I feel like I'm mourning the future we could have had together. But then I have moments where I feel so strong and more confident than I have ever in my memory. I'm scared but I'm sure. I have hope, but I'm worried those hopes are futile. I'm afraid of being alone, but at the same time, I feel empowered by my loneliness. I have no idea what to do now. I can't go back to school here. I've withdrawn and if I ask to have my name removed, I can't go back. I don't think I'd want to anyway. I guess I'll get a job. Figure out where I'm going to live. Get on my feet and then go from there. It is frightening to have nothing. I have no money, no friends near me, nothing. Yet, I know I can do whatever I put my mind to. I have never wanted to make a difference in the world as much as I do right now. And even that is intimidating. I'd make a terrible politician. No one would vote for me and I'm too shy and awkward to make it very far. But part of me wants to try. I feel like all of this should have knocked me on my ass. I would have expected for it to land me in bed unable to get up or move for several days, especially with just EVERYTHING that has happened. But I'm up. I'm functioning. I'm determined. I almost don't recognize myself. Life is too short for me to wait around for my husband to realize the mistake he has made. He doesn't want to work on it. And I'm not going to wait around for him to make up his mind. I may have nowhere to go and have no one, but I have me.

Day 7 A Song That Reminds You of a Certain Event

So today's song was really difficult to decide on. I don't really have a song that reminds me of any event! I decided finally to go with The Way You Look Tonight sung by Michael Buble. I have known this song for as long as I can remember. It was in Father of the Bride. My dad of course loved the movies so I grew up with them. And thus I grew up loving this song. Every time we hear it my dad always says that when I get married he and I will have our father daughter dance to this song. I guess it reminds me of my wedding, an event that hasn't happened yet and is quite far off in the future haha! So here it is! Enjoy and I'll see you guys tomorrow!!

Day 6 A Song that Reminds you of Somewhere

I chose Airplanes by B.o.B. feat Haley Williams for today. This song came out right before summer started last year. I definitely associate this song with Provo in the summer. I definitely had one of the BEST summers ever, despite a ton of drama and people being stupid I still had a great time. I got to go back to school and for the first time ever I actually did pretty dang good.
On an unrelated note, what is it with all of the girls who are absolute JERKS, who play games and treat people like CRAP getting married? I don't understand. I don't necessarily want to get married right now, I'm enjoying the whole having my own life thing, but I would however just like to have a boyfriend. I can't even get a date and this girl who totally uses people and thinks only of herself is getting MARRIED. I mean, she started dating a friend of mine and then texted him saying she couldn't date him because he was a fat slob. He's not even fat nor is he a slob! I kinda sorta want to punch her in the face...and she's getting married. I'm so sick of this.
Anyway, sorry back to the song thing...Good song, reminds me of Provo in the summer. Enjoy and I'll see ya'll tomorrow.

Day 5 A Song That Reminds Me of Someone

So the song I picked for today is Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen. Who doesn't kinda love this song? It's seriously a classic. It reminds me of my best childhood friend, Virginia. We would pretend we were sisters all the time and we cried when we had to say goodbye. I remember we had plans to go to Australia after I went to a great ballet school in Paris and she finished her education in Australia. I think it goes without saying that we didn't exactly get the chance to do that, we were kinda about 7 or 8 when we made those plans. Anyway, we kinda grew apart as we got older since we lived so far away from each other, I still considered her to be my best friend though. After high school she developed cancer and passed away in September of 2007. I still miss her. I remember this song from when we were little girls listening to it while riding in her mom's car. One of my most vivid memories was sitting in a dollar store parking lot playing tic tack toe on her jeans and listening to this song on a sunny summer day. I will forever associate her with this song as well as Who Knew by Pink but that's a song I associate more with her death. So I decided to go with the song I associate with her life. Her life and her death have played such a big part in who I am today. She had so much to do with me deciding to go on a mission. Like I said I miss her she was a wonderful person. So enjoy, have a great day and I'll see you tomorrow!

Day Four A Song That Makes Me Sad

I love He is We and I love their song- blame it on the rain. This song is beautiful and the reason it makes me sad is because I feel like it's the story of my life. It's really an amazing song. It's simple yet expressive.
I'm kinda glad that I get to do a song that makes me sad today because I just feel like it fits my frame of mind so well. Have a great day and enjoy the song! See you tomorrow!

Day 3 A Song That Makes Me Happy

I love this song, I love Sara Bareilles I think she is a great artist! Enjoy and I'll see all ya'll tomorrow!